These are my journal entries for 2023
2023-12-29 Welp, it's been a while since i wrote anything here. I have been a little sick, not for chronic reasons this time. As of writing this i am going back to my parents' house. Without my parnter. I'm really nervous about it, being alone with my family can be a hassle. The kittins are there though, so that will be fun. MY KITTIN is also there! I haven't seen her in like a week. Which is sooooo long!!!! From what my parents have told me she has been doing well, which is good.
ok so a lil cw: discussions about weight and body image before we continue.
I have been feeling like absolute trash about my body lately. Like, I don't know. The past few months I have been good with appreciating myself and my body, which has been very nice. The past few weeks have been kinda rough, though. Yesterday it all kind of broke me a little bit, when thinking about tattoos I might want to get and how I feel like it will look like shit on me because of my body and its shape. Like, you know, a below the boob situation but like i felt like my folds will fuck it all up. I feel better now. I think it's also because I have been looking alot at clothes online the past few days. Alternative fashion is so hard to buy wihtout being like welp it's not going to look like that on me because i am a number of sizes larger and also this is asian sizing so im a 2XL instead of my regular size which kind of fucks with the image i have of myself in my head or whatever. Again, I'm feeling better now. It's just so annoying, I would never think someone else with my body type looked ugly or weird or Lumpy(tm) or something, which i think of myself every time I've been looking in the mirror lately. I'm going to order some of those clothes and feel good in them, I think. Fuck me for feeling lumpy i am very cute actually.
Anyways it feels good to have said it more like. put together than i was yesterday trying to explain to my partner why was so upset lmao.
2023-12-13 I'm tired today. In a few days my partner and i will be packing our stuff and our cat and travel a few hours north. We will stop with my parents for a few days and then continue a few more hours north to meet my partner's mother and his mother's side of the family. And then we will travel even more hours north to see his father's side of the family. I'm looking forward to it, but I am (as always) anxious about meeting my side of the family. I have gotten so much better mentally after moving out and starting medication, something especially my mother has been critical of. My dad is easier to deal with, being the more classic "sad and grumpy/angry dad", I get along with him most of the time. My mom is a bit more overbearing and exhausting to be around. She is nice and all, she has especially become nicer and more understanding the past couple of years.
I'm not going to lie though. Sometimes it pisses me off that I never got the understanding mother. I have struggled with my mental health for so many years now, and I think that if I had been met with some understanding when I was little, I might not have struggled so much, and maybe not struggled so much still. But now it is what it is, I guess. I can't change what happened and neither can anyone else. I don't think I will ever get my mom or dad to admit they did something wrong when raising me. That's fine. I think i have healed alot in the past few years.