These are my journal entries for 2024
2024-01-01 it's a new year. I'm a little worried, I think. About how it will all go. I'm going back home tomorrow too, which I am relieved about. My partner went home a few days before me, I've been missing him terribly. I don't know, being at home just has me feeling... weird. Like, sad and nervous and weird. It has been very nice to hang out with the kittens though. They are so cute and sweet, they are still struggling to walk a bit, but we have been cuddling and playing a little bit and also I'm just mesmerized watching them.
I have felt kind of... scared about school. I forgot to sign up for my exam in january, which sucks and I'm not sure if I will be allowed to take it now. Man, now I'm feeling even more anxious. I can't wait until I'm done with school so I never have to think about tests and exams and whatnot again. I don't know what i want to do though, so we will see.
So, new years stuff. My partner and I will start working out this year, for me it is mostly about like, my mental health and also not wanting my back to give out earlier than necessary. Mental health is because like. I'm restless all the time, and exercise will probably help with that. Maybe I will become super mega strong >:3 I don't think so, though. We are also looking into officially moving in together this summer. We will start off with student housing and then we can probably buy a house once I am done studying (he has been working for a few years by then), if not we will rent some more and then buy something later. It is exciting. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this person, he makes me so happy. There we go, thinking about that made me feel a little better. Apples out!
2024-01-08 I have needed to study for my exam for a month, and i for sure have not done that. Exam is now coming up tomorrow and I am not even feeling that bad about it? What? Anyways, on the bright side i have started a new amigurumi project >:3 It is Muffet Undertale. Which is very fun for me because I love her so much she is so funky.
Oh okay you know what? I am feeling the exam jitters now. It feels bad. Oh no. I wish I did more haha I wish sitting down to study didn't feel like getting into ice-cold water and I wish it didn't make me so tired 30 mins of study leaves me unable to stay awake. Should maybe get that checked out, I mean we do have free health care here. But looking into whether i have adhd or something is like. I dont know it just takes so much time and i dont know if i could take the medicines btu maybe then i would stop my antidepressants so maybe it would be a good thing? Not that taking antidepressants is bad. I love mine, I need them to function while also being tolerable to the people around me. Is it normal to not be able to stop multiple songs from playing in your mind at the same time, like it's a normal stress thing right? Because I for sure could not sleep without extra sound input last night, and I guess it is good I can turn on an old podcast and fall asleep pretty quickly. But yeah no matter how this exam goes I will be fine, I think. I will have to re-take it, but there are worse things. I'm already planning on extending my studies by a semester. I'm just really tired.
Okay I actually wasn't done yet. I am so tired. I want to leave so bad. I want my partner and me to to be able to leave for a long trip and not have to thinkl about coming back for a long time. We have talked about going to Scotland when I am done studying. And to Japan once we are a bit more stable, not financially, but just in life in general. The 3.5 years I have been studying have been so long. And so short. I feel like they have gone on forever, yet I feel I have nothing to show for it. You know what I mean? Even if we have stuff planned, it all feels impossibly far away. I have to finish my masters, with thesis and all. It will feel better after the exams and whatnot, but it all feels hopeless right now.
I ordered some new clothes right before the new year. I hope they will fit, they are really cute. I can't help but think it is a futile attempt at reinventing myself, though. I think I am hoping I will magically feel better if I think I look cute, while I know that that is not true.
2024-01-15 One of the kittens is sick. It's like she gets cramps in her face and cant stop like, touching it with her paws. It's the one i bonded with the most when i was visiting, iim so fucking sad about this. she has looked a little different than the other kitties since they opened their eyes, and she is just so sweet and cuddly and soft. I want to take her in so bad but my cat would never accept her. im so torn up about this i want her to have a good life and would give her everything but our place is too small for two cats, where one of them needs alot of personal space (from other cats, not from me and my partner). I dont know what to do, my mom is taking her to a vet neurologist, and i hope they can do something for her. this sucks so fucking bad. It sucks so bad, I hate this shit, dude.
2024-01-16 I feel a little better today. Still sucks that the kitty isnt feeling well, but i realise that i cant do anything about it. I will spend extra time hugging my own kitty and kissing her little forehead and all that. I will also play some comforting picross and watch my partner play ace attorney and feel better.
On a brighter note: I ordered a used camera the other day, and it has arrived. Hopefully i can post some more fun photos on here from now on! My phones camera really sucks, so a better camera might make me take more nature photography. Or whatnot.
my new courses have started for the semester also. It seems fun. Im taking a history of technology as an optional, and it is very cozy. Im also taking Quality and Product Safety and Biochemical Analysis. Which is fun. its all funsies.
Ive been playing alot of Pokemon Scarlet in the last few weeks. I started playing the DLC (both of them, I guess), and really loved them alot. I audibly gasped at how cute Ogerpon was, it is just so freaking adorable. Just a little baby. And i can walk around as my Tinkaton????? 10/10, great game. 100%.
2023-01-18; tw: animal death they couldnt go to the vet due to weather stuffs yesterday. I am just so. I am so upset. they are going on friday and i am so worried they might have to put her down. I dont know, i dont understand how i got so attached, i knew from the beginning i would never be able to take her in, due to my cat being very much delighted in being an only cat. I dont know i was just so eager to see her grow up and move to a good home. and like, cuddle with her when i visit my parents. She is so sweet, my mom tells me she loves being wrapped in a blanket and sleeping in there. It is so heartbreaking. as someone who is so worried about my cat falling ill, it's just. I dont know i though i was prepared for something like this, but i am really not. its just like my therapist said, you cannot prepare by feeling sad now, you will only feel sad twice.
2024-01-20 The kitten is better! If anyone has been reading this and is worried, she has been given pain meds (they decided it was the least invasive and easiest solution, so they started there) and has had way fewer and way less severe seizures.
2024-02-05 I got a new piercing the other day. It is just a second one in my left earlobe, but it's a big deal to me because i tried getting another hole in each of my lobes a few years ago and it went really bad. This time i went to a more reputable studio, which was def the right choice. It went rlly rlly well and i am very happy with it. I even got to pick a cute top to put on right away, which is always funsies :3 I kinda want to get more now. I've always wanted a septum piercing, but i think i would not be able to take care of it well, because i would not be able to stop touching it. Might be sort of a sensory nightmare, also.
2024-02-12 I came home from my parents yesterday. I miss the kittens so much already. might be a bit emotionally unstable ngl. because its not just like. feeling a lil sad, my soul hurts because i probably wont see them again.
even though my bday is tomorrow, we celebrated it during this weekend because my sister had hers right before the weekend. It was nice, but i am a bit unsure of how to interact with my paternal grandmother and aunt who came to visit. I have never really gotten to know them and they are quite strange people in a way i dont know how to navigate. They did give me some cash (on account of not knowing me well enough to give me anything else, had they asked me i would have said i didn't want anything because i feel like i am old enough to like not really get anything besides a happy birthday) and no regular place here uses cash like ever. ...except for like tattoo studios and the likes..... so i will messafe an artist i have been followinf for a bit and use the money towards a fancy flash on my thigh :3
And now i have had a redbull and the anxiety is creeping up my spine oopsies. Shaking and trembling. and now i have to be on campus until 8 pm what da heck.
2024-02-18 I went out partying yesterday. I remembered, once again, why i havent been going out partying. i just dont want to lose my friends because i dont do anything with them. idk man i just dont like being drunk and especially not getting hung over and also i dont like the fear of having a colitis flare-up. anyways today is studying and playing pokemon tcg with my partner day. which is honestly pretty nice. im just really tired, even if i didnt drink that much yesterday.
2024-03-01 It's almosy exam season. Like it is every 8 weeks for me. It's not too bad, 8 weeks worth of material is very managable. I have still booked a hair appointment afterwards, though. To treat myself to some actually nice hair, evern though i have very much liked the hair i have had lately (if you are reading this, thank you for putting up with helping me dye it. you know who you are mwah). I also booked a tattoo only like. a week before my exams. So it will be nice and itchy when i have to sit still for like 5 hours straight. Feels great and incredibly smart and intelligent. ANYWAYS.
I have been so tired these past 6 weeks. We have had a group project that has been kicking my ass. Quality and product safety..... Important ig. But boy oh boy did it hurt having to learn it. Never working with GMP again, and i for sure thought i wanted to do pharma after i graduated (at like a small, more ethical company oops). Idk man i think i will do water treatment or something. Less prestigious and more up my alley. Love me some drinking water nomonomonomonomonomonom.
2024-10-17 Been a while, hasn't it? Things are going pretty shit for me rn. Idk why, but my depression has been getting worse and worse lately. Some shit happened, someone i had cut out of my life contacted me in a way that scared me so much i deleted most of my internet presence. then i discovered bg3, and started using that to escape from reality as much as possible lmao. don't get me wrong, i love the game. it is the greatest thing i have ever played. but i have gotten so emotionally attached to it that it is starting to get like. maladaptive. idk man, things are just so shitty now. have been having those shitty ass thoughts too. you know the ones, where you think about like. not being around anymore. not seriously, i dont think so at least. life just feels so shitty lately and i dont really want it right now haha. i know it will pass. but knowing it is not the same as feeling it. Anyways.
the feelings im feeling feel like. like grief, i think. which isnt something im used to feeling. or its just hopelessness (lol how do you even spell that shit). in my failguy shitfuckpiss brain era, i guess. anyways.